Indecision

I went to church last Sunday with two friends. It was a good mass, the priest talked a lot about the importance of keeping promises and how to face the diffuculties in life. I thought it was really interesting. The more I look back on my life, the more depressed I get, I had so many memories, and so I’m totally going to change the way I view my life. Actually I’m in a good place, really. I’m slowly getting my things done. The bad thing is that I haven’t really made any plans for the future. Most likely I’ll continue working as an accounting teacher, and also possibly continuing my study in China since I have people that can get me some serious references. Sometimes I feel it might be best to learn Chinese first, though I’m not really sure how I want to use it and what I'm going to do thereafter. Ideally, I could spend some time abroard, studying in China for a year, and then taking on the teaching job. But the institution asks me to teach for at least three years, starting this July. I've talked about this with my family. Mostly said that I do not need to sign the employment contract because being attached is disadvantageous. However, I don't want to miss this opportunity. I want to make my own money. At least, I don't need to ask my dad some money to buy something. I also want to start stashing away money. Ah I am confused.

I want to make these years worth to remember, but I don’t even know where to begin. It scares me that the future’s coming fast and my dreams aren’t getting any nearer to me. I don't really know what I want to do, where I want to get, and who I want in my life when I get there. But I also just want to live for now. I want to get out there and have fun, not waste my time to think about those things. Time is ticking away before my eyes and I’m still just a cliché teenage girl with dreams too big. And in truth, I wouldn’t want to change, that’s who I am and there’s not much I can do about it. I just don’t get how everyone else is moving on, and I’m stuck, almost as a little girl. Waiting for the moment my life changes, and not even knowing where to look. I wish...